Myself (Selfish Series, #2) Read online

  Only one person has ever made me feel like I have a choice. And I wish he was here right now. I take a step back from the railing and pull out my phone. I dial his number. The moment I hear him answer, a smile spreads across my face, and I start to sing to him.

  “Happy birthday to you ...” With every word I say, the smile grows on my face as the fresh breeze blows my hair around.

  “Thank you,” he says as I finish the song.

  I turn my back to the balcony and lean up against it. “So how is it? Do you feel old yet?” I ask as my brother laughs.

  “Not one bit.”

  I can see Conner through the glass door, and I narrow my eyes at him as he dresses. He doesn’t even bother to look my way. He never does anymore. “Did you party hard last night in Paris?” I hate that he had to go away for work. I wish I could have seen him today. I miss him so much.

  “Something like that,” he answers, laughing.

  I clear my throat as it tightens at the sound of him. Hearing his voice is like a weight on my chest. We’ve grown so far apart since he graduated high school. “I tried to call you last night. I know Paris is six hours ahead. I didn’t wanna miss your birthday, but you didn’t answer.” I really just needed to talk to someone once I returned to our hotel room. Ashlyn had text me that she wasn’t gonna meet us out and not to wait up for her. She had found a man. And I saw the proof of that when she stumbled into our hotel room a couple of hours ago. Hungover and looking like she had spent her entire night getting laid. I wish I was that lucky.

  “Sorry, I was in the middle of something. But I don’t wanna talk about me. I wanna talk about you. Make it to Panama City yet?” he asks.

  I turn back around to face the ocean; it’s much better scenery than Conner. “Yes. We actually arrived yesterday.”

  We spend the next few minutes talking about me and our room, but like always, we hang up too soon. I don’t want to keep him because I know he has a busy life. So busy that I haven’t seen him in four years. He’s never home, and I haven’t been there either. And honestly, I think our reasons are more alike than either wants to admit.

  I walk back into the room as I place my phone in the pocket of my shorts. Conner yanks the white down comforter back as if he’s looking for something. When he doesn’t find what he’s looking for, he tosses it back and then looks down at the floor. My suitcase sits in the corner with my clothes still neatly folded inside. His stuff, however, is all over the room. “Who was that?” he demands as I walk out of our room and into the living area. We didn’t get the penthouse suite, but we did get an amazing luxury suite with two bedrooms and living area with a small kitchen. The floors are a light brown wood with soft eggshell walls and white trim. The couch is a soft blue color that matches the waves outside our window, and a big anchor hangs on the wall behind it.

  “My brother,” I respond flatly, needing a water.

  “Why the fuck were you talking to him?” he snaps.

  I come to a stop and turn to face him. “I called him because today is his birthday,” I snap back, still mad at him from last night and the fact he doesn’t want me talking to my brother. They’ve never liked one another. They’re both like dogs trying to establish dominance. I think most call it a pissing contest. Ryder doesn’t like him and for good reason—he doesn’t treat me the best. But he hasn’t always been this way. In the beginning, it was great. And then somewhere along the way, things changed. And I felt more comfortable in the relationship than in love with him. We just make it work. Even if we want to kill the other at times.

  He opens his mouth to no doubt tell me to fuck off, but a knock comes on the door. “Who is it?” he calls out.

  “Room service.”

  I frown at the high-pitch voice, and Conner’s eyes narrow at me. “Did you call them?”

  “Have you seen me call anyone else?” I ask, placing my hands on my hips. I hate when he asks me stupid questions.

  He lets out a growl before spinning around and walking toward the door. He yanks it open. “What the fuck? Ryder?”

  And just like that, this day that I wish was already over just became one of the best days of my life. My brother stands there in a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt. The smile drops off his face when he sees Conner. My heart picks up with excitement, and my mouth falls open in surprise. How did he ... I run to him, my arms open and my lips smiling before I jump into his arms.

  “OhmyGod,” I squeal as he hugs me tightly, cutting off my air and spinning me around in the hallway. “Ryder! Ryder!” I jump up and down when he puts me down. “What are you doing here? Oh, my God, Ryder!” I hug him once again just trying to prove to myself that he’s really here. That I’m not dreaming this. When I pull away, I yank him into our room.

  “I’m so confused!” I say, shaking my head. I don’t miss the look he throws Conner, but I ignore it. Not even Conner could ruin this moment. “What are you doing here?” Not like that’s important.

  He smiles down at me, and he reminds me so much of Dad it’s not even funny. He’s twenty-nine today but looks younger than that. His hair is shorter than when I saw him last. He used to wear it long and shaggy in his eyes. It’s still long, but now, it’s spiked. His eyes still that same green I remember, and his smile still warm. His jawline more defined, and his body a little bigger. Even growing up, he spent a lot of time in the gym. He must still find time for that even when working nonstop.

  He smiles down at me. “I came to surprise you.” Conner snorts, and he looks at him. “What is he doing here? Thought you guys broke up?”

  Which time? “We got back together,” I say softly. Even though I don’t see him much, I try to talk to him often. And every time we do, he asks about Conner. The same ol’ questions. Dumped that loser yet? Is that fucker still treating you bad? That could be another reason Conner hates him. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be with a guy who your brother doesn’t approve of? Pretty freaking hard!

  “What is going on in here? I’m trying to sleep, for Christ’s sake!” Ashlyn asks as she exits her room, looking just as hungover as she did earlier when she practically crawled in. Although she informed me that alcohol had nothing to do with it.

  “My brother surprised me.” I grab Ryder’s hand and start jumping up and down as if it’s my birthday.

  “That’s great!” She sighs heavily. “But can you keep it down ...?” She lifts her head as her hand drops off her face, and she looks at Ryder, her eyes widening. “What the fuck are you doing here?” she demands.

  I frown, looking back and forth between the two of them. Have they met? “Funny! I said the same thing,” Conner growls.

  “What ...?” I ask, but Ryder interrupts me.

  “Sasha!” he says with a smile. “Lucky seeing you here.”

  “Sasha?” I repeat. Why would he know her by that?

  “Uh ...” She takes a step back.

  “Why did you call her Sasha?” Conner asks. “Sasha. Why does that name sound familiar?” he asks himself, and then his eyes widen as he chuckles.

  Ryder points at her. “Because that’s her name.”

  “That’s Ashlyn,” he corrects him.

  Ryder shakes his head. “I think I know her name. I spent all night with her.” Her face goes white, and her eyes shoot to mine.

  “What?” Conner and I both ask.

  An awkward silence fills the room, and my brother looks around confused. “Wait for a second,” I ask, remembering our conversation we had earlier this morning when she got back to our hotel. “This is the sex god?” I try to hold in my laughter at my best friend’s misfortune. But I point at Ryder. “This is my brother, Ashlyn,” I remind her just in case she is still confused. I know she’s hungover and obviously had a very long night.

  Ryder smiles. “Sex god, huh?”

  Conner laughs as he slaps his hand over his stomach. “This is priceless. Who knew you would fuck Ryder.”

  I give him a hard look, but he ignores me while laughing at the si
tuation we have found ourselves in. Ashlyn and Ryder start to argue about how they both lied to one another last night. And of course, Conner has to mention how he’s going to tell Bradley about her sleeping with my brother. So not only does she look tired, but Conner is also just pissing her off even more. She gets in his face, and Ryder grabs her, pushing her back into her room and closing the door behind them.

  Conner turns to face me. His jaw tight and dark brown eyes narrowed on me. “That was a good show.”

  “Show?” I ask, tilting my head to the side. I can’t help but smile like an idiot. My brother is here in Panama. I would have never seen that coming.

  “Yes,” he hisses. “Show. You acting like you didn’t know he was here. Since when can you act?” he growls.

  And just like that, the smile drops off my face. “I’m not acting,” I snap. “I didn’t know he was going to be here.” He can’t be serious. There is no way I would have been able to keep this a secret. And Ry sleeping with Ashlyn just proved that he was here in Panama last night. I would have seen him the first chance I got. Not gone out with Conner to some stupid club for him to fuck a chick in the bathroom and for us get in a fight.

  He steps into me, his eyes still narrowed. “I don’t care how long he’s staying, but we are not spending our entire vacation with him.”

  “He’s my brother, Conner,” I say, raising my voice.

  “That’s exactly why.” His phone rings from his back pocket, and he takes a step back from me and pulls it out.

  “Who is that?” I ask as he stares down at it. He presses ignore and then places it back in his pocket. “Conner?” I snap. “Who was that?” I demand. We both do this. He always asks who is calling or texting me. And I do the same. It’s unhealthy to have this much lack of trust. But I’m not innocent. I’ve broken our trust before too. I regret it every day of my life. Not because it hurt Conner, but because it hurt me. Having to let go and push away a man I loved hurt more than anything Conner could do to me.

  “Wrong number.”

  “You didn’t even answer it,” I say, knowing it has to be the girl from last night. Or a girl from another night. There’s no way for me to find out. He has a lock on his phone, and I don’t even know the code. I know what he does, but I choose to play stupid. It’s easier that way.

  “Are you calling me a liar?” he asks, arching a dark brow.

  I take a long, deep breath because this is not the first time, but I should let it go for now. My brother is here, and that is more important than Conner. So I say nothing. I’ve learned to like the taste of blood from biting my tongue so hard it bleeds.

  “Apologize for calling me a liar,” he demands.

  I shake my head. “I’m not gonna apologize, Conner,” I snap. I’ve apologized for enough shit that I haven’t done.

  He goes to open his mouth, but Ashlyn comes out of nowhere and grabs my hand. “I need to talk to you,” she says, standing between us.

  I swallow the lump in my throat and hold back my tears of anger and pure frustration. I nod my head at her. She pulls me back into my bedroom and apologizes about her and Ryder when, in all honestly, I don’t care. She’s not the first friend of mine to sleep with him. And now that I’ve seen them together, I like it. I never thought of it before, but they would be good together.

  I pull her in for a hug because I need it. That brief second when you feel like someone else cares about you and is there for you. She continues to apologize, and I swallow the lump in my throat at how lucky I am to have her here with me. If I were alone here with Conner, I would lose my mind. I pull away and explain to her that I’m not mad at her for what she and Ryder did. And how I would never let a man come between us. Conner has tried, but I’ll never let him succeed. Not with Ashlyn. Then I pull her in for another hug.

  “Why were you crying out there?” she asks. And I hate how emotional I am.

  I pull away from her. “It’s just ... Conner,” I whisper. “He hates that Ryder is here.” Which is part of the truth. I don’t wanna tell her about our fight last night or the woman who just called him. She would turn around, walk right out there, and punch him in the face. Then I would have to explain that to Ry, and I just don’t have the energy. “And then last night ...” I stop myself. I don’t wanna make this trip more complicated than it already is.

  “What happened?”

  I just shake my head, and she places her hands on my shoulders. “It will be okay. Your big brother is here, and we’re in Panama City.” She opens her arms wide with a devious smile on her face. “What could go wrong?”

  She has no clue what we are in for, but I do.

  **

  The four of us decided to go down to the hotel buffet for breakfast. I can’t help but smile as Ryder fills me in on his work and our father. He doesn’t have much to say about our mother, and I’m not surprised. She never spent time with him either.

  I don’t miss the looks exchanged by Ryder and Conner, but I try to ignore them. As we come to the end of the line, they all go to sit down while I go over to the condiments. As I make my way to the table, I see that Conner is missing. When I ask them where he is, Ashlyn says something about him peeing his pants. I have no clue what that was code for, but she and my brother both laughed. Which means it’s bad. I hate that whatever it is, it’s gonna make my vacation worse.

  Ashlyn keeps staring at me, so I’m avoiding eye contact. I should have never said anything about last night. It’s probably killing her not to know. I can’t tell her. Not now. Not with my brother here. Conner had to ruin that for me as well. He seems to ruin everything. But I can’t help but wonder where he went or what he did after I headed back to our hotel room last night. I should have stayed at the club. I should have made his time as miserable as he has made mine. I wish I had the courage to make him feel half of what he makes me feel. I wish I had the confidence to grab a stranger and flirt with him in front of him. Show him what humiliation feels like. But I can’t. I’m just not that type of person, and I hate that about myself.

  A cell phone blares through the silence that surrounds our table. My brother shifts in his seat and pulls his cell out of his pocket. “Hey, man,” he answers and then pauses. “Yeah, we’re down here eating breakfast.” Another pause. “Okay. See you in a minute.” He hangs up his phone and places it back in his pocket.

  “Who is here with you?” I ask slowly as my heart beats faster. My brother doesn’t have many friends. He did growing up but not now. His work is his life. But I have this feeling in the pit of my stomach ... Please God, don’t let it be who I hope it is.

  “Jaycent came with me,” he says, not bothering to look up from his plate as he devours the bacon.

  My eyes widen as I inhale sharply. My heart pounds even harder when he confirms my fear. Jaycent came with him? I shouldn't be surprised. They're inseparable. It’s one of many reasons I pushed him away four years ago. It’s also the reason I can’t get over him. He’s always been a fixture in my life. Then I was that young, stupid girl who fell in love with the man I couldn’t have. Until I did. It just made things worse. More complicated. My feelings more intense and my mind more confused. I had to walk away. Then add in the fact that I was with Conner when I made that mistake. I was officially a cheater. But I couldn’t stop it. Didn’t want to. Jaycent brought out a part of me I’ve had to keep hidden. But in the end, I did what was best for both of us. I asked him to walk away. And being the good guy he is, he did. Taking a piece of me in the process.

  My eyes meet Ashlyn’s, and she’s looking at me strangely with her head tilted to the side. Her lips part as if to ask me a question, and I shake my head. She can see it all over my face. The way I breathe. Hell, my skin is tingling just at the mention of his name. How am I gonna get through this weekend now?

  I turn my eyes down to my food as I take a deep breath. How long will he be here? How will he treat me? What if he wants to have sex again? Oh God, my thighs tighten at that thought and swallow the moan that threatens.
After four years, I still have that feeling just from hearing his name. Just knowing that he’s here. I’ve been obsessed with that man for as far back as I can remember. And I know that’s not any healthier than what I have with Conner, but they say you can’t help who you fall in love with.

  My body hums the moment he’s in the room. I can feel his eyes on me, and my skin burns as if touched by the sun. My palms grow sweaty, and I pull my shoulders back only to press my boobs out. And I hate that, even after all this time, my body still reacts to him this way. But it’s what I deserve—punishment.

  “Hello, everyone.” His voice alone makes a blush creep up my face. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. How can I avoid him? I wish this table would swallow me up. I open my eyes, and without thought, I turn to look up at him, unable to stop myself as he stands beside the table. My heart pounds in my chest at how good he looks. Just as he did four years ago. Even better. His white t-shirt pulls at his hard chest and large arms. He wears a pair of gray shorts and tennis shoes. My mouth waters as I remember what those lips felt like on mine. What his fingers felt like when they dug into my hips. And his dick ... I suppress a moan. I’m so dead. His lips that once kissed me are smiling as his light brown eyes look down at me. I don't deserve that. But the selfish part of me welcomes it.

  I push my chair back and stand, opening my arms to him, needing to feel him in my arms once again. He doesn't hesitate as he wraps his arms around me. And I bite my bottom lip to keep from moaning even though the goose bumps that cover my skin give me away. God, did he always feel this good? His arms tighten around me as his hands rub my back.

  “How have you been, gorgeous?” he asks, and my knees buckle just a little at the sound of his deep voice and the way he calls me gorgeous. Like he means it. “It’s been too long,” he whispers so only I can hear, and his breath hits my ear. A shiver runs through my body as I close my eyes.